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| peace and synthesis |
| 07.07.04 (6:50 pm) [edit] |
while i've spent the last few years integrating my aspects, this was through acknowledging ownership of my aspects and ceasing to hide them from various groups of people. i had neatly bundled my identities - career, pleasure seeker, business, friend, "spiritual", advisor, family, lover - into distinct packages which i revealed selectively to separate audiences. i lived parallel lives. no one ever saw all of me. - well maybe some did.
though "divide and conquer" created a sense of safety, i was bound in many ways and usually in conflict within. i moved on to "integrating" the parts .... the result was that more people saw more of me. some turned away but others stayed on - perhaps to watch for the next chapter but i prefer to think that i am making a bigger contribution in the new mode.
integration was a first step - it helped me own parts of self that i was ashamed/afraid of. some call it "embracing your dark side". it was like picking up all the pieces - good and bad - and learning to make conscious choices between who i was at any point in time.
the next step as i see it is to blend my parts into a seamless whole. i don't need to behave in a way that i think "pleases" others or falls within their expectations. can i be who i am consistently?
as someone once said "we are here to tame the savage beast within us, and to make this world a more kindly place" or something like that.
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| this thang called love |
| 07.03.04 (10:44 am) [edit] |
a very amusing evening. dinner - japanese - with m, the juvenile in me helped get her drunk ... it worked. too drunk actually. not sure if i really like sake (will keep on testing more types of sake, although tonight's was better than some i've had). had to send her home in a cab, and must check in the morning.
went to see j and c at their club after that. it was ok, better dj than last week. then j2 walked in. have not seen her in months. however it happened our conversation headed in the direction of "love". j2 was all confused ... went to dinner with a group that included some guy she likes but thinks does not like her - but from her description of his behaviour it looks like the guy's probably thinking exactly the same thing about her. lol
got me thinking (probably the sake) about loving vs liking a person - drawing on personal experiences. how easy it is to fall in *love* but more difficult to *like* the person that you "love".
like someone said, it's probably a "drug" and we need it to keep perpetuating the species. and it can be wonderful, if it never wears off.
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| no movies |
| 07.02.04 (8:05 am) [edit] |
it was a strange day. more work stuff and customized my blog page in between. q called and i postponed her to monday - was not in the mood to go out. but later went through central tonight. it was stinking hot. lounged with mr t for a couple of hours, talking about his new job and the old one. sounds like he'll have lots of fun away from home for the next 2 weeks. got a call from ms c along the way - told me about this japanese hairdresser i should check out. do i need a japanese haircut? did not hook up with mr g - guess his date detained him and then dumped him. anyway he called too late, and i'm not in the mood to go out again ... not tonight anyway. have to catch up on sleeeeeeepppppp after last night. g called - sounds like she's having fun in nyc.
what will tomorrow bring?
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| couldn't sleep last night ... |
| 07.01.04 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
... so i watched casino again. this time the de niro-sharon stone relationship got me. i guess there can be a huge gap in the the rules used by men and women in relationships. brought to mind a couple of experiences from the past. the real question is about me - would i allow something like that to happen again? i guess there was a "hero" in me tryinng the rescue "damsels in distress". sure they weren't hookers but had stuff to deal with. guess i could only get hurt if i was expecting something in return for my heroism.
before that i saw saddam on tv. he'll be defiiant to the end. has his own spin on things ... uses every opportunity to "sell" his ideology at the Iraqi grassroots level. uses xenophobia to justify his actions and advance his cause. will he get away again?
i must remember to save my energy by not judging. but it's difficult to break a pattern. stay focused on my intention.
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| the beginning |
| 07.01.04 (8:35 am) [edit] |
ok ... this is my first day. it's a public holiday here, and about 500,000 people took to the streets. not bad when it was about 36 degrees in the shade. i guess they must really care.
it wasn't all holiday for me ... spent all of the morning working on e-mails. but i took a nap in the afternoon... what a treat. anyway finally got those curtains hung in the living room. just one of those things i have to get out of the way.
toyed with the idea of going to yoga today - could have been the first time in four months. would have given me a buzz but i can find other ways i think
started reading clinton's book ... opening pages about his childhood are very dull but i think the story will improve ,,, soon i hope
downloaded inkscape today ... nice piece of software - why pay all that money for adobe and macromedia? also tried out open office ... why ms office? open source is the way to go .... does bill have something up his sleeve?
it's been a week since i shut down ie explorer and outlook ... don't need them anymore ... spent too much time cleaning up my machine after all the viruses and hijacks.
well let's see what tomorrow holds ... need to think about whether i should fly off to bangkok next week.
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